Even when things get tough, I am a big advocate for a staunch sense of stoicism to keep one sturdy.

Even if the masking process can feel herculean at times

I’ve mentioned before about how hard I’m hit with the post-game completion blues, where one is feeling low energy and depleted after finishing a game. I’ve heard similar stories from huge book worms before as well; not that I don’t read or finish books of course, but I’m guessing different levels of investment brings away varying levels of results in terms of the emotional reaction involved, and I definitely don’t have similar feelings after finishing a story regarding the written word, but video games do me in pretty hard, even when the game in question isn’t even relying heavily on narrative. To that point, I recently finished Silksong, after weeks of working my way through the game, and writing a litany of articles detailing my thoughts on the process, and indeed, I do feel an emptiness inside following the initial credit roll these past couple of days.

I didn’t even opt to go for the 100% on Silksong, though I assumed I eventually will. I’m sure there is at least one better ending I did not get, as I ended up calling it quits on what was no doubt the easiest ending to achieve, and I’m still feeling low energy after the fact. I don’t discount the notion it may just be a confluence of events, with both a kind of existential boredom creeping over me in my day to day, on top of finishing an energy demanding title, though however many of the reasons it may be, this is where I remain.

I originally thought it wise to put off jumping directly into the Silent Hill 2 remake, so that I wasn’t diving directly into another title without having processed the last one before moving on. This is another pet peeve of mine I have in general, in not dwelling on an experience fully, understanding it, processing feelings and themes from it, really letting it sink in before moving on. I think far too many people avoid doing this in the name of mindless consumption, compulsion, unrecognized addiction etc. Some kind of knock on effect from an unhealthy habit, and it drives them to just consume, consume, consume. I do not think this is a proper way to live, and think more people would be better off slowing down a bit, but to each their own I suppose, it is not as if I can do much about it.

Refocusing on the matter at hand, I do think I am plagued by both post-game completion blues, and some kind of existential dread…perhaps an ennui of sorts, just a general bored with life itself, and it could be I simply didn’t notice it while I was knee deep in Silksong due to keeping mg eye on the prize. I know it’s easy to get caught up in the escapism of gaming, to immerse oneself so thoroughly one is able to forget about the everyday, having all of the woes and sorrows of real life just melt away in the heat of fictional excitement…but where this was once perhaps the way things were, a quick assessment of my day to day leads me to believe it is not the case now. I’ve put a lot of effort into cultivating an existence in the past two years that I could be gratified by, and I kind of reached the zenith of that at the beginning of this year, with a steady plateau that seems to have held stable. But what once was flourishing might now be slow erosion? It is hard to say, though I continue to speculate to try to understand my current emotional state.

I’ve really spent all day oscillating between thinking about how I’m feeling, resting up for the work week ahead, and pondering if any of this is worth pondering about. It is not as if I feel like I misused a day or missed out on greater levels of enjoyment or engagement due to my day of rest as it were; I truly don’t mind spending some downtime with myself to just kind of vibe without doing, being without worry, unlike many others, my thoughts do not scare me, and sitting with myself is not a terror or a madness of any sort, though I can’t say I’m thrilled with a lack of resolution in the face of things at the moment.

It definitely feels like a damned if I do, damned if I don’t scenario. I won’t be getting anything done and progressing towards at least a minor goal if I dwell on these feelings for too long, though thrusting myself forward into a new project may yield temporary reprieve, but it leaves me begging the question if it will be just more background noise and idle consumption in the realm of occupying a head space overwhelmed by boredom? I always talk about “becoming”, in reference both to a philosophical idea about the creation of self-identity through action, and self-actualization via engagement, idea exchange, and surmounting the everyday. Could it be I seek value where none exists? Or have I ended up becoming what I once believed to be a saving grace of continuity, only to realize I’ve gained nothing but empty sentiment in place of a worthy mantle?

What do I seek? Is it possible I could find whatever I yearn for in Silent Hill? Will that fill the void for very long? Or is that place equally doomed in being just another distracting pit-stop on my road to self-discovery? Given the choice of continuing to be idle in a purgatory, do I really desire to thrust myself back into a hell of a different color instead?

The devil is in the details, and I’m afraid I lost the road map to hell a long time ago.

-Pashford