I want to say I probably think about games more than I play them, which makes sense, when you factor in the notion I not only write about them, but have held jobs and worked gigs that require me to do research on them, interview people within the industry, talk shop with other industry vets, consider ideas and theories from outside the realm to infuse with gaming itself, etc. I think about my work a long time after I finish editing my pieces, even in their finality, I think they do represent a living, breathing entity, and a good idea will always be worth considering. Even a silly moment like using an office meme to reference how I think about games in an article will have me after the fact, thinking about how I think about games.

This next notion is definitely a controversial posit, as it regards both ideas involving the definitional standard of the term “value” and “productive”, which is already wildly subjective, outside of the context of a dictionary…maybe even within the context of dictionaries? I digress: I attempt to rein in my rampant levels of thinking, by focusing what I consider to be “productive thinking” by focusing on concepts with “value”. I’m going to leave the critique on both of those words well the fuck alone, or else I will never get to my point, which is indeed related to the notion of how much thought is too much in terms of gaming? I think, to kind of perfect, or bring into focus that idea more, I mean when does someone just say “hang the sense of it” and just live in a more willfully ignorant way when enjoying a hobby…or passion project, personal endeavor, etc? I know that the idiom from those who struggle with addiction goes something like “rock bottom is where you stop digging”, which definitely may have prescient standard here.

To wit; like many gamers, I have a ridiculous backlog to get through, more fantasy than reality at this point, though pushing the idea of effort in regards to enjoying the experiences squarely into the purely fictional feels as if a self-defeating notion. Due to life reasons, getting around to pouring time into any single game seems nearly herculean in measurement, and the quality of the moment to moment seems to be of glacial speed in returning to a status quo of satisfying normality. In fact, the space-time continuum is definitely warping around my perception due to stress management related reasons, to the point where so much of my everyday is blurring, I’m losing track of how long exactly it’s been from the end of one game to another. Here I was, attempting to recall my last declarative notion of fighting against the exhaustion of my schedule, thinking this was a recent occurence, only to realize my article touching upon my exhausting inability to play more games is now over two weeks old. Where once upon a time, I was wondering how I would manage how to get through one game fast enough, now I can’t seem to even fathom how to get to a single game full stop.

This goes back to me wrestling with the idea I have about how much thought one should pour into how one grapples with things even as “trivial” a matter as a hobby, as when one can’t even find the time to have fun, what is one left to do but think about how to get back to said fun? I mention something akin to a hobby manager, which is definitely a thing, as I have apps and websites that help me manage the games i’m playing, the time I’ve spent on engaging with them, the time I need still to finish them, etc. Even personal reminders, like my last article I wrote in my Words of Wisdom series, to maybe do instead of reflect, and simply trade some thinking time for more doing time.

Ultimately, I think the math isn’t mathing, and there just isn’t the reality present where I can accommodate for more play without sacrificing non-playing time, whatever that looks like. I’ve been sticking to theories, discussions about design, and philosophical musings in the realm of gaming, as I simply didn’t have any (simulated) lived experience in the virtual realm as of late, which in turn makes it ever so slightly difficult to write about the games I’m playing, due to having not really played them. Perhaps, much like I did right before I started cooking with gasoline at the beginning of July, before I did an excellent deep dive into Gex, and then found a way to inject some Hegel in there too, I simply stopped digging my trench of thought, having reached the depths of rock bottom conclusion, and just proceeded “to do”, by reaching back upwards to climb toward regular ground level, and comitting to a binge…gaming my ample heart out in the process. All of this in the spirit of “hang ingthe sense of it”, cease the thought, put a controller in my hand, and not concern myself with the why of it, just the how.

Less why, more how; that’s the key to living, virtual or otherwise, as one has no real answer, and the other does not ever need one.

~Pashford