Given the state of the world as it stands, the only thing I can think of more terrifying than this year ending is next year beginning.

The horrendous and the terrifying don’t end just because Halloween does

I currently reside at a crossroads of sorts, though now that I’m more thoroughly considering my situation, I would amend my assertion, and morph it into a turn of phrase more akin to “stranded at the station of indecision”, as I don’t necessarily have to get on any single one of the vehicles of thought departing, but hanging out at a terminal of sorts will eventually become terminal, after enough indecisive moments have passed.

I’m getting ahead of my self I suppose, as I haven’t really explained the situation yet. I recently concluded a massive streak of articles written over a consecutive number of days, 100 in fact, though I kept on posting because I was kind of just in the groove of doing so, as it were. The streak, if stopped at 100 (for arbitrary reasons, of course), would have seen it wrapping up as I concluded the Silent Hill 2 Remake (SH2R), which ended up being a nice little coincidence. I know I was going to have to move onto another game soon after, and I shifted my focuses of consideration upon Returnal, which I just wrote about yesterday. The game has been fun thus far, even though I’ve only put a few hours into the title, it was a game I started with the notion it could be* the next game I focus on writing about for awhile. Of course, while I did luck out the past couple of months, with being able to mine a plethora of ideas out of both Silksong and SH2R, being able to write about them for weeks on end, I realized it was not likely I was going to be able to do that with every single game I ended up playing, and I think Returnal is a good example of that.

These observances are mainly due to Active Time Event not really having a totally formed identity, with no sole purpose in mind, and not really possessing a focus necessarily inherent within its design. Which is both good and bad, as it means I haven’t really found a winning formula, but also that I don’t have to feel beholden to a singular mission statement. Like, even in writing this article, I was having a dialogue with myself about tone, and appropriateness in terms of content, etc. Ultimately, as I’ve said before, while I always enjoying focusing on the concepts and ideas first and foremost, this is a space of catharsis for me, and needing to air my thoughts comes with the territory. Do I think if I bring enough focus, panache, creativity, chutzpah, style, or brevity into the mix, more people will take notice? It’s likely…does it stress me out that I might completely miss the mark and not do any of that, and only remain with a vessel in which to carry my own piece of mind within? Stress isn’t the right word, though I think it leaves me wondering what the best path forward is, in forming my own internal dialogue and making something worthwhile out of it. I always read about writers saying be honest, put your sincere self on the page, people will pick up on it. I don’t think I can concoct of a more sincere approach then sheer stream of consciousness published for whichever eyes will happen to grace such existence at the same time.

I guess I bring this up because it would be way easier to just write straight format articles, basically excising myself from the process as much as possible. Like, following up with another Returnal article, detailing some kind of the eccentricities of randomized repetition Rogulikes bring with them, or focusing on the cosmic horror sci-fi angle, and making references to other media that do similar things. Perhaps put forth a bunch of theories involving what is in store for the player as Returnal unfolds, or how paradox and quantum mechanics make up or in turn enrich the ideas of gaming and philosophy in different ways. Stuff like that. For the same reason I never really intend to do straight up previews or intentionally traditional reviews (though sometimes they do accidentally happen), the whole point is a different approach about discussing video games, to help shake up what I see as a more stale nature of approach to writing about the medium, which is herculean in and of itself. In the online space, where interest of any topic and those discussing it lives and dies in video format, going about this from a purely written approach is something of a sabotaging death knell, and one I truly don’t know has already had its time in the sun.

This all could be some bizarre streak of existentialist dread I’m merely unleashing unto the page in an effort to clear the mental storerooms for much needed space involving far more valuable cargo of conceptual worth, though within the same moment, realizing how limited my time is on any given day, and that it would be unwise to waste so many precious minutes on unrecorded mental purging, lest I run out of time and walk away from the computer totally empty handed with nothing to show for it. Will the output be meaningless? What metrics are we measuring success by? Can the idea of “worth” even be truly muted in such an exercise such as self-expression? What scenario faces a more grim outlook: the audience without a performance, or a theater without a crowd?

A trepidatious Thursday, it would seem. I’m not sure why I don’t just go the easy route, just play the games, write what happens, etc. That represents such an easier through-way of progress, one that has no real demand for thought. Perhaps that is why I rebuke the notion, the sense of thoughtlessness the approach beckons for is of such a sad, sorry nature, leaving one feeling totally bereft and wanting more. But what of all this? This string of nonsense I call a write up, no real premise to speak of, not an authentic underlying point or goal in mind, this piece will not be one that represents the high end of fashion in the realm of social media appeal, of this I am certain. I fear as if I was right, in my initial assertion at the beginning of this post.

I fear I am left stranded at the station of indecision…what kind of terminal destination it represents remains to be seen.

-Pashford