Ocarina Of Time Remake: Muscle Mommies R’ Us

(Tl;dr video companion of this article):

There are times in life we end up getting more than we bargained for…

…and as it turns out, a buy one get one free deal isn’t always the greatest offer on hand

As we wrap up the Shadow Temple, in all of it’s perpetually dark glory, we look forward to the horizon, for only one last temple remains. Even if this was someone’s first time through Ocarina of Time, at this point on the map, there is basically only one section in all of Hyrule we haven’t yet had to explore an inch of, and is very much the only big blank portion left on our piece of scribbled on canvas, and that would be western Hyrule, the supposed origin of the big bad himself; the very place where Ganondorf hails from. With the choice being obvious, Link saddles up on Epona, and they both ride to the desert, to see what awaits our hero clad in green.

It’s at this point in the adventure I look at Epona square in the face with a dead pan expression and ask: “You could fly this entire time and didn’t tell us?”

Of course, there is a grand likely hood the player has in fact already explored this place, at least a little bit before this moment, as this is a Zelda game after all, and the call of adventure does not wait so needlessly with idle intent in the face of the unexplored. In order to get over the gorge in Gerudo Valley, one will have needed to acquire either the Hookshot or Epona, as she is able to clear the jump of where the broken bridge use to be. If I remember correctly, there’s some other Looney Tunes ass ways to get across using the hover boots, but there’s no need to get goofy about this. However you choose to get across (though Epona makes it way more epic overall), once on the other side, before the fortress anyways, one is immediately disappointed by the lacking variety of options that await them. There is of course some random items, including a couple pf heart pieces in the gorge itself, which is worth jumping off a cliff for, and then of course, there’s the farce of the race with the running man, which…is a thing one can do. Since the whole fucking race is a god damn shim-sham of a setup, as he uses shenanigans to beat you by one second no matter what you do (even if you manipulate the ingame timer to read zero seconds he still beats you by a second), so doing it more than once is…maybe one of the most nihilistic mini-games in a Zelda title, but there you go.

I should break your fucking legs

You’ll hear about the captured carpenters from the Master Craftsmen, and he asks you to rescue them, as they stupidly thought they could join a bandit group exclusively comprised of all women, but one must keep in mind these men are paid for their wood working skills, not their powers of deduction and critical thinking abilities. Since Link’s calendar is looking pretty bare at the moment, he decides what the hell, and makes his way on over to see what all of the hubbub is all about. Oh yes, I guess it’s worth it to mention that while all of this is going on, one of the most infectious tunes in the entire game is playing in the background, in the form of the Gerudo Valley theme. The fact that this song is one of the most memorable in this entire game, a title chalk full of bangers, is saying something, but the song is just that good, and the number of covers, remixes, and samplings of it in other songs is in a league of its own, so that helps to make this part of the game that much more enjoyable, which is groovy.

Though I can’t say I’ve heard a massive outcry in all my years post original Ocarina release that suggests people had a huge issue with Gerudo Fortress (GF), the fact of the matter remains that most people generally get pissy about stealth sections in non-stealth games. I know for a fact, and strangely enough, people do bitch quite incessantly about sneaking into Hyrule Castle, and that is a much shorter stealth section, so I’m guessing GF has more detractors than it has celebrators. All of this mean ssimply this: if you love stealth, this will be a treat, if you don’t, you’re probably going to be fighting back the urge to not chuck your controller directly across the room after the tenth time you’ve been seen and chucked into the jail cell.

Death by Snu Snu lies within…

My only guess as to why people might be a little more chill with this section overall, is that you’re able to knock out the guards with a shot from your bow and arrow (without penalty), as the Gerudo guards aren’t imbued with any AI that has the ability to do anything outside of pacing back and forth, so if you down one of them in front of one of their friends, it means absolutely nothing to them, which means you can pick guards off to your hearts content. The goal is to find the four captured carpenters, and once you encounter any of them locked away in their jail cells, you do engage in a sword fight with one of the Gerudo guards, which helps to elevate the whole affair.

Speaking of “elevating the whole affair”…

I’ll address a fun fact by mentioning that Nintendo felt the need to make all of the Gerudo women in this game fucking muscle mommies, making Gerudo Fortress the unofficial Muscle Mommies R’ Us of Hyrule. Nintendo did this for some unknown but very probable reason, as it would attract the thirstiest of the goon squad goblins still on the fence about this game and boost sales numbers Im guessing, so thats something that you horny freak shows will be able to look forward to, and which will hopefully be enough motivation to help you stomach the stealth sections if you’re not too busy playing one handed you gooner fucks…as if the Zelda series needed anymore compelling reasons to motivate the Rule 34 artists…Jesus tap dancing Christ.

Y’all do nothing but train, you say?

With that obvious bullshit out of the way, and the rant that followed it securely profused and now safely in the proverbial bag, we can move forward with our minds cleared and continue to march onward towards far more imminently important priorities….for some of us, anyways.

*Ahem*

In a welcome moment of positive alteration (if one enjoys more difficult affairs), in the Remake, the guards are not only more sensitive to your presence, meaning you will have to be legitimately more careful sneaking around the base, but they don’t stay knocked out forever when you down them, unlike the original. Meaning that you have only a limited amount of time to sneak by, which I think adds to the whole vibe of the place, but again, I love stealth, so this place is my jam. The remake is great because like most other places tied to any sort of where civilization or society is concerned, the extra details that go into the fortress to make it look lived in and decorated by its troops is a nice touch, to be sure.

The stealth sections are also just framed far more cinematically, which is a big thumbs up from me

After the last carpenter is saved, and one of the more aggressively resilient guards has gone 0-4 in sword fights against Link, the Gerudo’s put forth a truce, and just make him an honorary member, cause it’s just a lot easier than constantly getting their ass whooped once every other hour when they need to run to the bathroom but end up running into this goofy elf fuck instead. Luckily, with free reign to move around the fortress without penalty, there are a couple of things one can do before heading ijnto the desert to find the Spirit Temple, and both are two of the coolest pitstops in this entire journey: the horseback archery and the Geurdo Training Grounds. While both are optional, they are well worth your tiime. The horseback archery, which I’m massively surprised is the only time this appears in all of Ocarina, and equally so, did not get a shit ton more attention in later games, I find addictive as hell, as I love shooting ranges in games, and the added difficulty of being mobile the entire time hits that sweet spot of the classic “just one more run”, either to get a perfect score, or see how many times back to back one can get a perfect score. This mini-game also offers up both a heart piece and the biggest quiver in the game for certain scores achieved, and one does not even have to be a crack shot to earn either of them.

I’m the kind of patron that makes owners enforce time limits due to my compulsive incongruencies involving excessive play and general excess of too much horsing around

The Gerudo Training Grounds is I think the only optional dungeon in the game, so if you want to skip it entirely, no harm no foul, but it is one of the most engaging dungeons in Ocarina, so you’d really be missing out on some great gameplay if you did. If you’re able to fight your way through the entire thing, and the training grounds is both surprisingly robust and challenging for being an optional side hustle, you will acquire the Ice Arrows, which will freeze enemies in their tracks, so it’s actually a pretty cool prize all things considered.

I was so busy with sight seeing and horseback archery I didn’t have time to get footage of the Gerudo Training Grounds…oopsey daisy

While I was thinking about what I wanted to discuss in terms of the desert that separates you from the final T=temple, for all of its reputation of being so dangerous and lethal, the desert portion of the game is relatively short and incredibly cozy place to travel through, with almost no enemies to worry about in the beginning section where the sandstorm is raging. If you have the lens(es) of truth, you’ll be able to see the poe that can lead you through a far more elaborate Lost Woods esque scenario, where moving the wrong way will get you lost and warped you back to the beginning.

I mean, it’s no vacation spot, don’t get me wrong, but a couple of Karen related Yelp reviews really affected the overall rep of this locale, imo

For anyone curious: it is indeed possible to do the part where one follows the invisible Poe (ghost) without getting the lens of truth, as I once did a really funky “boundary break” run on this section (on a second hand copy of a ROM hack “Master Quest” version of this game I bought, but it was in a physical form, i.e. cartirdge, that worked on an original N64 no less), where I went wildly out of sequence in trying to beat the game while doing as little as possible, and I was able to navigate the desert without the lens of truth. All it took was falling back on a little bit of some old school strategy, like we did back in the day with the first Zelda game, and that was draw a map using pencil and paper. Good Times.

It’s a lot easier with the all knowing, other worldly tour guide, obviously

With that, you finally arrive at the Evil Desert Colossus, ready to best the final temple and claim the last medallion from the remaining sacred sage. Though, as one will come to find out, it’s going to take more than the skills of just Adult Link alone in order to conquer this particular challenge…

~Pashford