In a justified moment of reverence to the likes of Thomas Edison, “I’ve not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”.


Adjusted expectations are vital to a healthy state of mind

There is no avoiding the reality that this article represents a “shaking of the cobwebs off” kind of moment, as I took more than a two month hiatus from writing earlier this year, after a six month streak of posting everyday. That’s 180 articles in a row! I don’t normally indulge in self-aggrandizement, but the therapeutic powers that be encourage me to give myself a little Pash on the back when I’ve accomplished something of merit, and coming up with that many concepts for a half year straight without a break is no easy feat. I’ll also give myself credit, as if one is curious enough to look back, they weren’t cheap reads, either, not like shitting out a synopsis for a Dan Brown novel one would laughingly peruse while bored paralyzed at an airport gift shop. There was some real-ass ideas amongst the grand litany of musings, and I have no doubts they will stand the test of time, and act as tribute to both creativity and philosophical endeavor for all those who have yet to stumble upon their bountiful merits.

So yes, while I think a well needed moment of self-love and being my own hype man is needed, the rust must be shaved off as I return from my hiatus, and brace for what is likely to be a slow start supreme, not so much as flying, but falling with style, an excellent segue into picking up where I left off, which was a rare moment in creativity (in my world at least), as I ended my creative run by doing video content without first publishing an article lead that initially spawned the idea for said visual content. See, I wanted to reach more people and challenge myself in the process, and I thought to myself if I started following up my articles with a related video, I’d have a new challenge in writing a script, while servicing a crowd I may not reach with my writing. Thus, my “Tok-Takes” were born, as I would post 30 second summations of the articles ideas in a Tik Tok, and let her rip. This turned out to be a profitable (metaphorically speaking) affair, and opened the door for extensions to my thoughts in new and interesting ways.

I bring all this up more so to underline the point that my last three “Tok-Takes” were of Goldeneye 64, which were not preceded by any such ramp up from any articles I had written, and were kind of ideas onto themselves. I think because I knew I was on the way out of regular posting, perhaps if I mostly just focused on gameplay as opposed to coming up with elaborate articles to follow, the mental load would be lightened. This may have been the case, but it was a fool’s errand of a saving throw, as I think the exhaustion and overbearingly grim mood had already taken me. Due to reasons even beyond a hectic posting schedule, I needed a break. I was going to make light of this in the next Tok-Take by saying I “lost my train of thought”, but in reference to another James Bond movie, it was more like I was shot off my train of thought, not unlike the beginning of Skyfall, where a mission goes horribly wrong, and Bond does indeed get blasted off of a moving train into the watery depths below, as Adele then launches into a powerfully melancholic ode to the fallen and the damned, sinking perilously just below the surf, falling fatalistically to Davy Jones’ nefariously imbued locker of mortally ill discontent.

At least, something to that effect. You know, poetic word play, groovy concept, tying in personal experience mixed in with a nice nod to another Bond property. All a beautiful sentiment of course, but keep in mind, as majestic as all of the imaginative prose may be, I only have about 30 fucking seconds to get my point across in these vids, and there is only so much information one can cram into such a tiny time frame, and I already pack mine filled with a ludicrous amount of address as it stands, so the concept is committed to writing here, for posterity’s sake.

With all of that exposition well out of the way, I think we can get on to business as usual. Indeed, I am returning to the scene of the crime, as I pick up where I left off, and once again grace the virtual corridors of Goldeneye 64, as I give it the good old ATE treatment, in very much the same vein as I graced such titles such as Silksong, Silent Hill 2, My Friendly Neighborhood, Metal Gear Solid 3, Expedition 33, and Mario Kart World with in my deconstructive embrace.

I think Goldeneye presents a unique issue, not just in helping me get my groove back, but due to its iconic nature, writing about Goldeneye feels not too disimilar to beating a dead horse that has been wailed on by the entire population of the local village for almost 30 years now. There is not much left to revisit, or at least, to put such a feverishly grotesque metaphor aside, so much has been written about it, the task of doing so meaningfully or with new insight seems almost herculean in attempt, and does bring to the fore why I don’t just write about the most popular games for the sake of writing about them, and when I do, going about it in wildly different manners, see; Marxist Alienation, Agonizing Intent, White Whale Standard, The Turn Signal Paradox, Third Party State of Mind, Art of Losing, just to name some of the more standout examples (really not trying to overdue the self-plug here, I just think if one says “a bunch of examples” but then lists none, the declaration comes off as a hollow pretense, so this is me living within philosophical consistency).

All of this goes into the idea of not crutching my way over to the lowest hanging fruit to score some easy conceptual grub, which remains relevant to my history of leaving the industry in an official capacity in the first place, as my position as enthusiast press felt very much like the described scenario, except I was wearing something akin to a metaphysical racecar suit adorned with a bunch of glittering sponsors in the name of Trojan horse advertising. I also don’t like to “fill the literary air” with “useless noise that repetitive thoughts can bring”. We have already had at least a thousand millennial men speak of getting the game for Christmas and how magical four player multiplayer was and the comforting nostalgia it brings blah blah blah blah blah. Yup great, the story is laying dead next to the corpse of that near 30 year beaten horse I spoke of earlier.

Of course, the onus is on me to make sure I am able to conjure up some authentically delightful conceptual gold in this excavation of once upon a yonder, and with the added challenge of being out of practice, there is plenty of hill yet to climb.

Let us see just how Sisyphean a task this turns out to be.

~Pashford