In the grand alchemical experiment that is life, it always boils down to just how many failures it takes to amass before one is finally able to transmute all of them into a single success.

Basically every speedrunner’s mantra

As we press on with our replay of GoldenEye 64, it’s hard for me to tell if my dodgy mood at the moment is strictly coincidental, or if the confluence of events involving finally arriving at one of the worst levels in the game, is helping to contribute some right rotten funky spunk that helps to fill the air with skin crawling anxiety.

Either way, reality is now…and it is not preferred.

Rounding out our return trip to Severnaya, and its colder than ice duology, we finally step foot into the lion’s den, with Bunker Pt.2, one of the most aggravating missions in the game*, though luckily, the worst elements of the mission design will not be plaguing us this day. Firstly, because we are still on Agent difficulty, so the mission objectives are oh so merciful, and can be breezed neatly through in under a minute, secondly, due to experience under our belt, as there are two extremely important points of interest that turn what is otherwise a nightmare cloaked in disguise in the form of a GoldenEye level, to a more than tolerable walk through a park turned into a makeshift firing range.

I suppose, for the sake of posterity, I will do a brief synopsis of a first time players experience, or alternatively, a lazy, inattentive bastards run-through attempts of beating it, and likely a sort of player who makes my blood boil along the same lines as those I spoke of in my Turn Signal Paradox Article, way back when I was writing about Metal Gear Solid 3, which makes sense! As one of the big dividing lines on whether or not one is going to have a good time or a bad time with the Bunker Pt.2. Is wholly dependent on your flirtatious endeavors and constant admiration of stealth as a suitable reality for everyday affairs.

Though, I digress. With the mission starting off, you are locked up of course, as per the end of the last mission, Bond was taken capture by the Spetznaz, and imprisoned underground next to a cell housing Natalya, the Bond girl of the story, and a computer programmer who is an immense help and panacea of sorts to Bond’s toxically tragic himbo like tendencies. In the film, they meet while confined together, though it happens in a totaly different manner, as per my explanation as to how the timelines betwixt the game and movie are just completely fucked in terms of continuity at this point in the story, as Bond and Natalya couldn’t meet in Severnaya, cause Bond was never there, and it blew up, and therefore meet under totally different circumstances…split timeline bullshit and all that.

Refocusing on Timeline B (the game), a dialogue does commence with Bond and Natalya, to build up some rapport and backstory as well, eventually leading to Bond needing to bust out the joint. Thankfully, he has a magnet in his watch, which the player can then use to grab the cell key, karate chop the guard, and jailbreak Natalya out as well.

Now, assuming we are still referencing a first time player, or one of the Turn Signal Paradox (TSPs) I spoke of earlier, we would now begin the arduous task of finding our way out of this military labyrinth of excessive woe, while eventually stumbling upon the CCTV tape we need before we leave, and or dying several times along the way. The multiple deaths that are likely to transpire in your first time playthrough in the Bunker Pt.2. is due to the fact that Rare is pretty much done fucking around at this point, and it is time to get real with the players: Russian style real.

This is due to the idea that, if any level in GoldenEye benefits from the much lauded stealth element of the game I have banged on about, it is definitely this one, as not only is the base filled to the brim with armed guards as it is, but as soon as you start firing your way out of the base, you have essentially triggered an endless stream of reinforcements, thusly drowning you in the infinite mire of the Russian army. Obviously, this is not a tenable position by anyone’s reckoning, and a Pandoras Box better left unopened, as very much in the vein of being at a poker table long enough at a casino, you are betting against the house, and the house always wins. Not a matter of if, but when the house finally crumbles on top of you.

The endless number of troops would already be terrible as it is, but the extra insult to injury moment, is when you realize Natalya has some kind of death wish she seeks to fulfill, as she will constantly walk directly into your line of sight, the same line of sight that happens to have a stream of bullets constantly flowing through it, and which Natalya will no doubt catch directly in her head without even trying, ending the mission at a moments notice. This would already represent extreme uneasiness in any combat situation, knowing that an AI companion partner has the intelligence of a lobotomized weasel, but even worse when you have 15 million Russian soldier bearing down on you at any given moment, it makes matters even more ghoulish.

Not a very promising situation, as one may expect. So, what big brained galaxy move and 4th dimensional thinking may help to lighten the load on this one? Two points of massive interest, both of which can be found in the very first room you spawn in, right at the beginning of the mission.

The first one is an easily overlooked solution, but ends up being a super quick fix; instead of opening the cell door for Natalya right from the start, and risking life and limb by accidentally taking away her life by shooting her limbs, simply do not open the cell door until all of your mission objectives are complete. That way you will be left to your own devices with wreckless abandon, as you make your way through the Bunker, sans Natalya. This is obviously far more helpful on higher difficulties, when one has a litany of mission objectives to tend to, but certainly remains helpful on any mode you pick.

The second point of interest comes with a bit of know how, as it is technically a hidden little gem one can easily miss, and is not mentioned as a viable resource anywhere in the mission. As soon as you get out of your cell, if you walk over to the right, and look down into the sewer grating, you can actually make out what looks to be a throwing knife. If you use your watch magnet, you can summon the object to your own hands, which will then award you six throwing knives at your disposal. Not only are you able to retrieve thrown knives, technically giving you infinite ammo, as long as you mind where you are throwing, but it more importantly gives you long range stealth capabilities., letting you Snake your way through the facility without the use of firearms, which means a severe reduction in noise levels, thusly negating infinitely perpetuating death squad danger (if one is savvy enough, at least). All of this effectively translating to not summoning an uncountable number of Russian soldiers, and a much easier mission to deal with. Huzzah!

Admittedly, it took me an embarrassing amount of time in my youth to figure either of these out, as I was but a wee pup, more precocious than thoughtful, so the amount of failures I racked up in completing this mission the hard way are innumerable, but I share this knowledge with you now, in the hopes my setbacks become someone else’s saving graces.

Both of those tricks turn what is otherwise an absolute dumpster fire of a level, into a tolerable slog, as on Secret Agent and 00 Agent, the margin of error is still fairly slim, so it will definitely be a steady as she goes scenario, but way more doable. Luckily on Agent, one merely has to acquire a video tape lying on a desk, and then just head for the exit, which if done right, can take a more trained Agent less than a minute to accomplish.

Ah yes, one more point of hilarity remains before we move on from this hell hole in Russia, and that is in reference to my split timeline theories involving the seemingly differing storyline of the game and movie, which ultimately do no matter as far as continuity is concerned, but is a fun topic of interest.

It turns out my speedrunning tendencies ended up betraying my memory, as I erroneously remembered that it was only on higher difficulties, and not Agent, that Natalya sets off a timer to signify GoldenEye is about to fire. Not so! I was just use to gunning it so fast through the level on Agent, it had been an absolute eternity since I was moving slow enough through the level, to be in the control room with Natalya at the same time, thusly triggering the event all the same.

That obviously still doesn’t account for the massive rift of other events that totally split the stories between the two pieces of media, nor does it undercut the hilarity that a player can literally and effortlessly skip such a major event that happens in game, but uh….details, right? Who needs em.

Thankfully, after this strange little time splitting paradox of filler that we’ve finally taken care of in game, we will be able to hop back between the movie and game once more, for some absurdist comparisons, that carry no significant weight whatsoever, in enjoying what happen to be two great pieces of media, for entirely different reasons.

Until then…

-Pashford