Bonus content and secret levels in video games are great for two important reasons: one, they act as a nice surprise that keeps me playing longer, and two, playing longer means effortlessly extending the amount of time before I have to return to the real world and deal with the endless litany of annoying assholes just waiting to thoughtlessly fuck up my day.


The reckless ignorance of youth be damned

After a post credits surprise, and a reward for beating GoldenEye 64 on 00 Agent, we enjoyed a nice romp through some Aztec ruins that were filled to the brim with stolen tech and throwbacks galore of Bond’s adventures of old, as we crossed paths with Jaws once again, while reprogramming a contraband spaceship, after downing a veritable army of hot headed mercs armed to the teeth with high tech laser beams.

Which leaves us with just one last challenge, and the absolute final level of all of GoldenEye 64 before we bring the game to a comforting close; and that is the level “Egyptian”, which if ever there was the definitive standard of a victory lap, this definitely makes it in the running in the realm of shooters, as the mission acts more so as one of the biggest power trips this game has to offer, the very same game that features Bond barreling through the streets of downtown St.Petersburg in a tank at one point.

The final “chronological” level in the game, involves what essentially boils down to a duel scenario, as Bond is tasked with the procurement of the infamous Golden Gun, the pistol with a gaudy aesthetic that can down any target with a single bullet, which has been hidden away in some Egyptian Ruins. Once acquired, 007 is to use the weapon to defeat Baron Samedi, a voodoo spirit that (Roger Moore’s) Bond crossed paths with in Haiti, back in the 1973 film “Live and Let Die” (LaLD). In the pre-mission briefing, it is only mentioned that Bond could use the Golden Gun to *possibly* (and finally?) defeat Samedi, who was only presumed dead during the events of LaLD, due to the err…uh, confusing pretense involving what seems to be his supernatural tendencies, with a seeming ability to…not stay dead. The briefing fails to mention why Bond has to ice Samedi, which I guess is an “irrelevant detail” in this mission, as darkly humorous as that may be.

Its been a long time since I’ve watched LaLD, so it’s hard to remember just how utterly ridiculous the elements of the film truly are, but I’m guessing there are some culturally problematic moments involved, though I definitely remember just straight up fucking looney tunes moments independent of those. I bother saying this at the moment, as I felt the need to mention an honest acknowledgement of this reality, that whenever you have “generic white action hero” go into any country depicting indigenous people of any kind, it usually ages extremely poorly, but it’s worth mentioning just for the sake of self-awareness. The Bond series has a grisly lack of better cultural sensibilities throughout its over half century lifespan, and the further back we get, the easier it is to spot. So, that’s never fun.

Having said all of that, the character Baron Samedi I remember being the good kind of ridiculous (extraneous cultural context aside), as he is one of the crazier elements of the entire series, as he is more or less a real life folklore just borrowed by Bond lore, as Samedi is suppose to act as some kind of intermediary spirit between the land of the living and the dead, helping those pass onto the spirit world. This backstory, which I don’t remember the Bond film really going into, also portrays him as debaucherous, surly (constantly cursing everyone out), and wretched glutton, enjoying both excessive smoking and constant drinking: a party ghoul, through and through. We don’t get any of this in the film or game, sadly, but these elements are suppose to be part and parcel of the individual involved in Bond’s escapades.

One of the traits we do end up dealing with in GoldenEye 64, as seen in LaLD, is Samedi’s supposed immortality, as he seems to be able to endlessly resurrect himself, which is hilariously portrayed in the film (I remember it being surprisingly funny, at least). In the game, it is a different kind of hilarious, as even when Bond acquires said Golden Gun, which in most difficulties and encounters, does take him down in one shot, is followed by a darkening of the sky, and an ominous and bellowing laugh, implying (and correctly so), that Samedi has instantly resurrected himself, much to the chagrin of MI6, and the eye-rollingly exasperated Bond, who is never going to get to his post fight martini at this rate.

While I think it’s a completely wasted opportunity to not dive deeper into this rich tapestry of cultural lore and fascinating backstory, this absence of meaning is only rivaled in the absurdity that Samedi keeps getting second billing as a mere side mini-boss considering his supernatural predilections; both of these injustices haplessly inflicted upon the narrative, I will never understand, but for all of the great things the Bond series does, subversion and provocative dimensionality are not among them, both elements of intellectual intrigue far outside Bond’s conceptual wheelhouse, so we should never have expected much more after 70 years of the same old game of ignorant grab-ass we are so toxically accustomed to.

The tl;dr of all of this is Baron Samedi is great, even if he exists within some not great circumstances, amidst some sloppy cultural delivery in the movie. To that point, I seem to remember LaLD being one of the better Roger Moore movies, so the low-grade nonsense involving the depiction of Haiti doesn’t totally sink the narrative in embarrassment, but the whole thing ends up feeling so bizarrely ham-fisted by the inclusion of an awkwardly fumbled and totally glazed over usage of African diasporic religion involving Haitian Vodou, you can’t help but just shake your head, not unlike hearing your Awkward Aunt*(TM) singing unaltered NWA lyrics aloud at Thanksgiving. I honestly didn’t expect to go on such a rant about all of this, but it goes to show you two disparate things can be true at the same time, where the intent for inclusivity is nice, but then the execution is cringey? I guess I make the distinction cause I love the inclusion of Baron Samedi in both pieces of media, so even if it was fumbled, I’m glad we got him, because he’s one of the more memorable parts in all of the Bond films (and games, too), so that’s saying something, considering the breadth of content we have to choose from.

All of this is kind of fucking hilarious when considered through the historical lens of deconstructing the Bond lineage from someone familiar with it, vs the random fucko chud who is just randomly playing the game, skipping the briefing, and ends up downing the Baron, who has no frame of reference for him whatsoever, except for that “laughing guy who is hard to kill”, while becoming angry he can’t teabag the body cause vodoo magic has already made it disappear.

In any case, I will shelve the discussion of any further musings involving black magically imbued individuals, and (for now), focus on describing more of what the Egyptian level has to offer, though, much like Aztec, what we end up having is a “less is more” approach, ratcheted up to the nth degree, as there is a minimalist amount of real concern the player is faced with, when zooming out on what “Egyptian” has to offer. Don’t get me wrong, the level has an incredibly epic grandeur about it, as the halls you travel through are massive rooms, with gigantic pillars that shoot up to the sky. The music adds an element of heavy history to the whole thing, as you have mysterious melodies and funereal sounding tones that play in the air, mixed in with some creeping Bond vibes; minimalistic, but quite the tone setter.

As mentioned, all one has to concern themselves with is dealing with the Baron, and nabbing the Golden Gun. You can definitely defeat Samedi without it, but you must fight him three times (remember the whole constant resurrections and immortality thing I mentioned?), and each time he comes back, he has more powerful weaponry, and with each iteration being overall more hearty than the last, so fighting him without the infamously shiny weapon of lethally treasured notoriety is purely an act in masochistic tendencies; but you do you.

To that point, Egyptian is definitely a video game level that is structured in such a way that the “first time experience” will definitely be a lot more satisfying than subsequent playthroughs, as one of the big hooks of the mission involves how one acquires said Golden Gun, as it is hidden in a room which is essentially a trap. The room is rigged with four drone guns that will reveal themselves and start shooting, if the player doesn’t follow the “correct route” to the case holding the Golden Gun, which is at the far end of the room The squares on the floor, at least a portion of them, are rigged with trigger sensors, so stepping on the wrong ones will lock the case, with the drone guns then appearing. The player has the ability to survive a volley from these four drones, on any difficulty mind you (though on 00 Agent, if you’re not close enough to the exit door to escape, you’re probably toast), so it is possible to try to get the “optimal pathing” down more than one time in a single run. In any case, its basically the one and only puzzle in the entirety of GoldenEye, so it definitely makes “Egyptian” standout as a result.

With that in mind, unless one has an overwhelming amount of confidence in their short term memory recall, one will likely resort to the classic go to ala fashioned pencil and paper strategy, helping to bring back the gaming ways of old, when the kids use to make custom maps of old RPG areas (like the Zelda overworld), and manually mark out the path as one discovers the correct way to victory. The whole thing is simple, but definitely a cool inclusion to make the level distinct. Obviously, once one has the pattern memorized, one can easily rush much faster to grab the weapon, hence why I mentioned the first time acts as a unique standout vs subsequent playthroughs, but ’tis the way it goes for novelty within puzzles and games, I’m afraid.

You get plentiful ammo for the Golden Gun, and even though Rare attempts to “balance” the weapon by only being able to load a single shot into the gun at a time, the reload animation (the only one in the fucking game, mind you) is super quick, so the detriment of missing is not that steep, which translates into you being what feels like an unstoppable killing machine, as you blast fools left and right with the one hit kill wonder. I suppose you do get a familiar feeling of empowerment once one acquires the ability to go akimbo with the Moonraker Lasers in Aztec, due to that guns infinite ammo capabilities, but there is just something uniquely and devastatingly comical about a dude attempting to go guns a blazing against Bond, just for a single, low effort shot, much like the one Indiana Jones pulls against the overly aggressive swordsmen in Raiders, to immediately put an end to such gratutious tomfoolery.

Obviously, once one has the Golden Gun, there is little chance you will die in this level against any of the random goons they have littered throughout the structure, unless one is a truly miserable shot, or you’re playing on 00 Agent, where the enemy damage output is still high, and auto aim is turned off. On Agent and Secret Agent, hunting down and defeating Baron Samedi becomes more of something akin to lethal peek-a-boo than a proper manhunt.

After the final “death” of Baron Samedi, you are shown a cinematic of Bond, walking away with a condifent stride, as Samedi chases behind him. You’re then treated to a close up of his face laughing repeatedly, reminding you he is still not dead, though the game is finally over regardless. I’ve always greatly enjoyed this mission, as it has an extremely narrow focus, but what it desires to accomplish, it hits all the notes it needs to in feeling unique and engaging. I also remember being quite taken with the notion of making Baron Samedi my multiplayer character whenever my friends and I did vs rounds, as the metahumor of using an immortal spirit with the powers of resurrrection posed againdt others in a deathmatch never failed to generate a chuckle within me. Even though I mentioned that after the first run through, the novelty of the puzzle solution has worn off, and the Golden Gun makes the rest of the mission a cake walk, I always find myself going back to this level for speedrun replays, as it represents this excellent little creature comfort vibe I greatly appreciate.

Once you beat this sucker along with Aztec on 00 Agent, you do unlock one last cool bonus, and that is “007” mode, which is a player customizable difficulty setting, allowing one to use four different sliders (enemy health, damage, accuracy, and reaction speed) to adjust said values, with health and damage having a range from 0-1000%, and accuracy and reaction speed from 0-100%. For anyone who wants to absolutely torture themselves with near impossible odds, or anyone just looking to take a fun “musuem tour” of the game with dogshit stupid fucking lackeys to contend with, you call the shots now. Your file also reflects your mastery of the game, with the file select screen merely showing “007” on the front of it, signifying your dominance of GoldenEye 64.

Though it’s hard to believe, as we’ve been doing this replay for weeks now, that wraps it up for all of the levels GoldenEye 64 has to offer. This article didn’t turn out at all like I thought it would, but that’s the way the banana splits sometimes. I suppose tomorrow, I’ll wrap up with some final words, in reflection of the entire experience, and we will finally be able to close the book on Bond.

~Pashford